RA 101: Fostering Relationships with Your Residents

By Amanda Cohen on September 23, 2018

If you’re a Resident Advisor (aka an R.A.) this semester/year, you are probably a little apprehensive about connecting with your residents. I bet you have some stories of your own about poorly-attended resident’s mixers, or sparsely populated movies/pizza nights, or even being woken up at ridiculous hours for that one drunk resident who seems to always lose their key. So, how are you supposed to combat the R.A. curse? How do you connect with your residents without being overbearing? How do you build relationships, while maintaining boundaries so that your residents don’t take advantage of you and your position as an R.A.? All of these questions, and more, will be answered in this article… think of this article as an introductory course to being an R.A. (which is definitely a lot better than an introductory chemistry course).

Infographic by Amanda Cohen

Events with your residents

Many new freshmen (the primary occupants of residence halls) either think they are too cool to go to R.A. events, or they are too shy to show their face because they don’t know anyone. When you are planning events with your hall, make them accessible, fun, and short/at a good time. Let’s talk about accessibility. When planning events, you want to try to make them fun for all of your residents (you can’t please everyone, but you can try to strive for making the events accessible for the majority of your residents). If you have a room you can rent out, either in the hall or a classroom, do that because it’s free. Second, incentivize your residents with food items (if you are able to put a little money towards the event). Whether it be pizza, cookies, brownies, etc. you can’t go wrong with food. Everyone loves food, so this is an easy way to please most of your residents.

Now, how about making the event fun. Plan your event so that your time is divided: 75% fun and 25% catching up on current events, talking about rules, and giving them your level of availability. When I say fun, try and avoid cliché ice-breakers… they really just make everyone uncomfortable. Rather, have everyone introduce themselves and say which room they live in and then let everyone get food and you can facilitate smaller conversations with smaller groups, as opposed to talking as one big group. If you aren’t providing food at the event, make sure you offer a smaller-scaled activity to take up the time in the event; maybe watching the premiere of a popular television show, or, if it’s a longer event, watch a popular movie. You can choose the television show/movie by sending out a short survey to your residents.

Lastly, but definitely not least, the length of the event. The longest an R.A. event should last is an hour and a half, and to be honest that’s even pushing it a bit. If you want more people to attend, make the event an hour long at an accessible time. If you are having pizza, do it during dinner… students will want a break from the dining hall food. If you are providing dessert, do the event at 7:00 pm or 8:00 pm. Depending on the social scene of your school, picking a day for the event will differ. If your school is a big tailgating school, do the event on a Friday… many people will be taking the night off on Friday so that they are ready for Saturday. If Thursday nights don’t seem to be a big social day for your residents, give them something fun to do by hosting the event then. Avoid doing events on the weekdays, unless it’s a pizza dinner, because most students will have to do work during the weekdays. However, depending on the type of event you’re hosting, you could potentially hold something on a weekday.

Here are some fun event ideas that are short, diverse, and exciting.

  • Introductory pizza party (should be held to lay out ground rules and to get to know everyone)
  • Study day (rent a classroom for a few hours so that your residents don’t have to search for a seat in the library)
  • Television show premiere (pop some popcorn, bring a couple liters of soda, and watch the premiere of “The Bachelor”)
  • Refresher meeting (not the most exciting event, but should be held midway through the semester so that you can have a review of rules, etc.)
  • End of semester party (ask people who want to if they would be willing to bring some sort of snack food, so that the financial burden is not all on you)

Image via. https://pixabay.com/en/private-background-wood-gate-land-20115/

Being there for your residents while setting boundaries

As an R.A., you have to find a good balance between being there for your residents without being overbearing. If you want to build relationships with your residents, you can create “office hours” where your door is always open for at least one or two hours so that your residents can come speak to you without having to figure out your schedule. Another important thing to consider when being there for your residents is to have your general schedule posted on your door, or having a sign that says you’re in your room or you’re out of your room. Showing that your available will make the residents come your way. You can even put a sign on your door saying that you would love for them to come in just to say hi… they don’t need to have a problem to come see you.

A great way to connect with and help your residents is to just be aware of what’s going on around you. If you see one of your residents crying, you can either knock on his/her door later that day or send them a text checking on him/her. Don’t bombard the resident right when you see him/her, but chatting with them a little bit after the incident will show that you care about his/her well-being. If you hear two roommates and/or sets of residents arguing, don’t interfere right away, unless it seems to be getting violent. Just make a mental note of who was involved and then meet with each person individually and then as a group. If you are overbearing and involve yourself too much in your residents’ lives, they will start to resent you.

The boundaries between you and your residents go both ways… you want to make sure that you can have a life outside of your R.A. life (your residents will honestly connect with you more if they see that you are more than just an R.A.). Setting office hours, like I said above, will ensure that you get some privacy when you’re in your room. If a resident knocks on your door, and you are not in the mood or cannot talk with them, answer the door and tell them a time to come back… don’t just blow him/her off. If you have a big exam, or are in the midst of a tragedy, let your residents know so that you can take time for yourself. Your residents’ happiness is just as important as your happiness and well-being… never forget that. Communication, consideration, and boundaries… three major keys when connecting with your residents.

Being a cool, but appropriate, R.A.

Even though you’re also a student, as an R.A. you have to set rules and guidelines for the residents who you are in charge of. You might think that the quickest way to build a relationship with your residents is to let them do whatever they want without consequences. I’m not going to lie, this is an easy way to get on your residents’ good sides, but it will end up making your life an h-e-double-hockey-sticks… if you catch my drift. If you start off the year without setting any sort of rules, your residents will wake you up at all hours of the night, they will be disrespectful to you and/or to each other, they will destroy the residence hall, and they will ultimately put your job as an R.A. on the line. Constructing clear-cut rules will eliminate any sort of discrepancies and ambiguities, which will ultimately help to avoid arguments between you and your residents in the future. If you want to be cool, but fair, here are some great rules that you can follow that will not only get the residents to respect you, but to also get them to understand that you are on their sides.

  • Quiet hours on Sunday-Wednesday starting at 10:00 pm
  • Quiet hours on Thursday-Saturday starting at either midnight or 1:00 am (giving them greater flexibility in regards to quiet hours on days when the majority of social outings are held will show that you want them to have fun, but will also ensure they are respectful)
  • No knocking on your door past 10:00 pm (unless it’s an absolute emergency)
  • Emergencies that your residents can come to you for past quiet hours:
    • Medical emergency (not the cold or the flu)
    • Mental health emergencies
    • Misplacing key (I know this may be annoying, but it is your job)
    • Crime emergencies/events that would involve the police
    • Complaints about ridiculously loud residents during quiet hours

Image via. https://pixabay.com/en/blackboard-board-school-font-398453/

Be yourself and make an effort

You wouldn’t sign up to be an R.A. if you didn’t like connecting with people. Make sure your residents know that and let them get to know the real you. Leave your door open, ask them how their days are going, refer to them by name. Side note, I’m singling out referring to your residents by name because reinforcing the fact that you know your residents’ names is an easy way to show that you care about them and you know who they are. If you aren’t a naturally patient person, learn patience, because you’re going to need it. Don’t snap at your residents, respect their privacy, and they will (hopefully) offer you the same reciprocated courtesy. Being nice and respectful is much easier than being angry and/or mean. Let your residents know what your interests are and what your studying by either telling them, or posting a “get to know me” bulletin board on your door. Set a goal for yourself to make an effort to get to know at least one of your residents each day. Some easy ways to make an effort are:

  • Asking how their classes are going/what their areas of study are
  • Asking if they need anything or if you can help them with something academic and/or social related
  • Ask if they are excited for an upcoming event (for example, parents’ weekend)
  • Inform them of fun events (like concerts) that you think he/she might be interested in
  • Ask if they are doing okay (this question goes a long way)
  • If you know a resident really well, ask them more specific questions (these questions can be family-related, friend-related, school-related, etc.)

Making a connection with your residents isn’t going to be easy… sorry, I can’t sugarcoat it for you. Just think about your relationship with your R.A. (many of us didn’t even have a relationship with our R.A.’s), and learn from what they did right and what they did wrong. I know there are University R.A. policies that you have to abide by, but work with those policies and other R.A.’s to use the list I gave you to create a fun, nourishing environment for your residents. Be patient, be kind, be respectful, plan events, but understand your residents’ boundaries and create boundaries for yourself. Another thing to remember is that small acts of kindness and consideration go a long way with people (this concept can be applied to your life in general, not just your life as an R.A.).

My parting words to all of the R.A.’s reading this article: thank you for putting up with students (like myself at one time) and thank you for taking the time to better your R.A. practices! Spread your wisdom to your fellow R.A.’s. Good luck!

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